Diary Of A Mad PoËt

Only God can judge me

Don't judge a book by it's cover, i think that most people have heard that phrase before... But eventhough many have not many people actually do it, i guess that is nature of mankind... I think that the reason why they don't do it it's because it is easier then actually take the time to do so... And so in a fraction of a second people put you in a box or category because of convenience nothing more,nothing less... I can't imagine that anyone really likes to be put in a certain box and neither is the person who tends to do it ... How many times in my life have i heard this phrase: "I know what kind of guy you are" so my question would be, "really?",ok tell me then what kind of guy i am then according to you, followed by a silence of the other person ...They can lable me an airhead, a player a party animal or whatever kind for that matter the truth is i don't really care if i may say so frankly... To me people who don't even take the time to get someone without pre judgement is nothing to be worried about simply for the fact that their opinion is based on air.... If people would really get to know someone, in this case me ... like my friends who known me like most of them over 14 years + and know what have made me the person i am today then yes their opinion means something to me .... A person is shaped by the decissions they made in life as well as what they have been through in experiences either good or bad ... So everytime that someone new tells me they know what kind of person i am or what i've been through, i just smile ... Have they had to literally carry their friends to their final resting place at young age afterwards bury them, do they know how it is like when people point a gun at you to shoot you down or stab you but don't have the guts to do it because of payback ... Do they know how it is like when cowards hit you on your head from the back with a bottle or steel because they are afraid to come from the front.... I always told myself that i will bow for no man for that matter even if it is the queen herself nor will back up for anyone even if i have to face a whole group by myself. So does that make me gila? I rather die like a man then to live as a coward and that's the simple fact .... Put me in a room full of haters and i will guarantee you that i will be the last man standing. They say that when you are doing well there are people wanting to take you down just because out of jealousy but it will only make you stronger knowing why they do so.... People ask me how come after all that happened i can still be positive and keep smiling well the answer to that is simple.... All those kinda things happen because people see you as a threat meaning they are afraid of you or jealous of what you've achieved....So that's only a good thing even if it isn't what it is seems like envy and jealousy is always around the corner. Even between guys like the ones who think they're god's gift to women but still want to go out with someone like me in the hope that i will hook them up ... I tell you some guys are plain idiots for that matter as if i go out to fo the same reason like them ... Sometimes it is hard to do the right thing when people around you "causes" you to change in something that you don't want to be. The best thing to do is to take distance in order to keep doing in what you believe and stand for as a person ... If you know you are doing the right thing without harming anyone everything is licit to maintain as you are ... See some people for that matter are not that bright thinking that because you are kind and all they can walk all over you ... Those people are best to put aside because they will never get to appreciate you as a person ... These are the kind of people who want or will change you or make you mad at times in other words negativisme ... Some promises made in the past are no guarantee in the future since times changes and so do people ... Things that happened in the past can make you bitter but you can turn negative into positive just by adjusting the way of thinking ... No matter how hard it may get the negative energy and thinking makes your life a long and lonely road while the positive energy by the postive kind of thinking makes your life more pleasant and easier to handle things ... There is no escape or illusion that from now on there would be no people left who will judge me but in the end all that counts is only God can judge me as he knows the motivations and reasons why i do the things we do.

Why they say....

The thought for this blog has been lingering on my mind for quite a long time…

Some guys say that a girl and a guy can never be friends …

I always trivialised the subject but the more and more things happen i start to realise what they mean …

Maybe they are right and i am being naieve sometimes to think that when a girl says she wants to be just friends she means it …Heck even the girls say it but to me i have no reason to think they mean something different … And maybe that is one of the differences between guys and girls i mean when guys say something most of the time they actually mean just that what they are saying but with girl it can be quite the opposite of what they say … Wouldn’t it be easier and clearer if people are being honoust and direct then to play mindgames and such. Some people can really drain you from energy when they want you to figure out what they really mean …

I mean, do i look like a mind reader or something ? I don’t think so, so why make things more complicated Then to be straight to the point so you know where you stand or maybe it is me who thinks too different ...For example you meet a girl you start to talk and just relax and all you know have contact and it is just relaxed, then at one point it comes to that she wants to meet up for a drink or such so you think wel cool why not cause you can get along…So she adds that “just as friends” just to socialise and to get to know eachother so at this point the guy thinks nothing wrong just as friends…So you meet up have a drink, eat whatever but during the conversation she drops some “hints” but in your mind you wave them away like well it must be your imagination or something … Then at the end of the meeting you part in a normal way and think well it is nice to meet someone “normal” finally …So after a while you don’t hear from eachother and think well let’s call

and see how your newfound friend is doing …

Then you feel that it is not like it used to be and the person gets some kind of and attitude like she or he is all that …

I mean really, isn’t that weird to act like your frustrated since that person says something and looking back at it you realise that the person meant something else that’s just plain sad in my vision, and these kinda people wonder why they get played, well go figure ..

If it wasn’t for some girls that i am friends with i would have to agree with the guys but unfortenately most of the times it is the opposite …That’s why at that point you wonder if it really is worth to meet some new “friends” cause it is tiring at times …

I am not going to say that even as friends you can’t grow out to be more then just friends or anything ..

But that’s because you learned to appreciate,trust and understand eachother and grow towards eachother …

It doesn’t necessarely means that when a girl and a guy lay in bed together that something will happen …

Friendship is about trust even when it is between a guy and a girl there should be more then a feeling of just friends …

But sometimes it is hard to be just friends with a girl or a guy if one likes the other more then just a friend …

There is one thing that can really freak me out and that’s when you are friends with a girl she starts to ask all kind of

Questions like …What are you going to do, where are you going to , whom are you meeting up with and all those kinda questions …

That make you think wtf (??) since when did we became a couple?? Seriously that can really freak a guy out if you are just friends and that most of the time is the turning point what makes a guy think hey it is better to take some precautional distance …

Some people act like they own you and all and that is not the way it should be ..So that’s why inspite of what people think i love to be in a relationship if it was only for the simple reason that other girls keep at a distance and you only have to answer to your girlfriend and put all your energy and heart into your relationship instead of all those others who give a lot of negative energy….

Another thing that i find very strange is that when a girls tells me you hardly call me or it has been a long time since you called me…

I don’t know about other people but i hardly call anyone for that matter and if i do it is not that i talk for hours i rather meet in person and have some quality time to go for dinner or such instead of hanging on the phone all the time.. To me true friendship is even when you talk to eachother for months and all and you meet up everything is likei t has always been with and you’re glad to see that person again …I never got that part cause if your friends you must have the other person’s number and if it was that important and all then you could make the first call yourself instead of complaining about that matter …. But since they don’t do that there is no need to say those kinda things cause it is that they are either to cheap to make the call or it isn’t that important to that person themself then…. Friendship is about sincerity and if it isn’t sincere then i don’t want to have it and it is also about meeting halfway or in other words fifty fifty then you know they appreciate you…

I’m not out to offend people but i had to get this of my chest and luckily i have friends that show their appreciation and for those friends i always have time and will always make time no matter how hectic the schedule is…

And for those who don’t i won’t waste too much time on and let it be …As always i salute my true friends. If anyone would ask me advice about this matter i would say keep your real friends close to you and don’t waste to much time on the ones that aren’t cause life is too short to spend too much time on those who will never learn how to appreciate you.

Mahal mo ba ako

Isang araw nakita kita nag iisa ka lang (ikaw lang)
Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang iyong pangalan
Lumapit ako sayo wala akong masabi
Ikaw ay na sa isip ko sa araw at gabi

Nakita kita 2x
Sana’y makilala ka
Nakita kita 2x
Sana’y maging akin ka

Hindi ko makalimutan ang iyong itsura (ang iyong itsura)
Ang cute mo pala pag ikaw ay tumawa
Sa lahat nang babae walang kasing ganda mo
Sinta, kailan kaya pwedeng magsama tayo

Nakita kita 2x
Sana’y makilala ka
Nakita kita 2x
Sana’y maging akin ka
Nakita kita 2x

Sana’y makilala ka
Nakita kita 2x
Sana’y makasama ka

Maging sa Pagtulog ko ikaw lang nasa isip
Doon lang kita kapiling sa’king panaginip
Ngunit isang araw panaginip naging tunay
Ikaw ngayo’y kapiling ko, kasama habang buhay

Nakita kita 2x
Ngayo’y kasama na twina
Nakita kita
Nakita ko na sayo puso’y liligaya

Terima kasih cinta

Since it is a universal conception i guess this blog does not need any intro ... Most people are looking for the affection from a certain person whether it is friendship or out of love ... I don't really think that anyone who has the choice would want to grow old alone unless there is a reason behind it ... Some relationships are over as fast as they started and most times bring the pain along for at least 1 out of the 2 involved ... I can give some reasons why it most of the times end that fast but not for this blog anyway ... Everybody must know at least 1 person who got heartbroken and still suffers from it ... Where some recover quickly ( or try to make it look that way ) others carry the scars with them for a long time ... They say time is a healing factor or at least till you meet someone who mends the heart and make you forget about the past ... I hear a lot of people talking that girl's and guys have a different kind of thinking about these matters ... But i  beg to differ about this ... It is not the girl's or guys who are different but the individual itself who can be different ... Everybody is unique in her or his own way so you can't devide it in certain groups eventhough most time people tend to ... Girls think that guys think easy about such matters as these but with this blog i want to shed some light into this matter ... Like for all kind of good term relationships communication is essential in other words key ... With communication comes understanding and from there on it grows in loving, caring etc. Of course it is hard sometimes to open the door to your heart when you have been hurted or diseapointed in certain times .... And it may be a cliche also but once there was a time that you had a good time what brought you the spark to believe in something more ... People tend to forget that and stay into the negativeness where the road to positive thinking leads you to the path of forgiving and from there on you will grow as a human being .... To give yourself a new chance to find true happiness you have to close the chapter that caused you the scars in life ... In that is the key to find your inner peace and strength to start a new chapter in life ... To the ones who are heartbroken i post this song, remember that no one can give you a guarantee to find happiness in life no one else but you ...

I wish that I could read your mind
To understand everything you're going through
Baby, I could try to find a thousand reasons why
You're alone and why you're acting so cold

Tell me how long you've been this way
Maybe I can open up your heart
See, I've been waiting all my life for someone just like you
And I know you've been waiting too
For someone to love you

All you need is someone who cares
Someone who will always be there
All you need to say is that you want me to be with you
Girl, I know you've waited so long
For someone to love you

Baby, I wish I could have been there
For every time you ever shed a tear
Baby, I hate to see a pretty girl like you
Going through the things that you do

Girl, I think you've gone far too long
Without a good man to make you smile
How can I appeal to you and make you understand
That I'm here, when you're ready for
Someone to love you

Baby you've been waiting for the man from all the fairytales
or maybe just the man from all your dreams
try to think reality, explore the possibilities
cause girl you know you've waited for so long
for some one to love you

all you you need is someone who cares
someone who always be there
in the middle of the night
All you need is someone who cares
i aint trying to play no games with u

Someone who will always be there
Never leave your side

all you need is someone who cares
someone to love you endlessly
Someone who will always be there

Life is about learning from the things that once made you happy or made you sad ... In good or bad there is a lesson to be learned it's all about giving and taking ... You might have been hurt but maybe without you noticing it you might have hurt several people even if it is on purpose or not ... So to whom it may conceirn i would like to say : Janganlah dibalas rasa kecewa ... Agar kau terima yang sebaiknya, thank you for the lessons you've given me .... Terima kasih cinta ...

One last time

At certain times in your life you can be remembered by something that you might want to forget or have forgotten.. Certain people, certain occasions i guess we all have those kinda moments. Sometimes you can trivialize it but some things are important enough to remember ... Such as goods friends, lovers, people you once knew and had a good bond with and with whom you lost contact with ... Either it is because of a fight or just lost them out of sight ... I think everybody has a person or certain people whom they think about all of a sudden, wondering what happend to her.him or them ... Time is delicate and precious , lost times can't be caught up unlike people think they can ... We all have a purpose in life dreams to live but sometimes tend to forget about people we once held so dearly to our hearts ..I'm not saying i am going to change the world .... But i guarantee i will spark the brain that will change the world

In the years that passed by

Never really thought of you

I have got the things

That i expected out of life

Sometimes it was bad

Sometimes there was a lot of luck

Always busy

The days are much to short

But somewhere deep inside

A desire

That keeps growing bigger

You & I

For one last time together

Against alll odds

Not to let it last for long

Not because i'm still in love with you

But just to feel it for a short time

How it felt when it started

And maybe to find that word

That i couldn't say back then

If i think back of us together

If i go back in time

We were always together

But we lost eachother

Did i had to fight harder

Against that stood within

It doesn't matter

Cause what happens will happen

But still want to know

How it feels again

To have you standing infront of me

I want to know so much

And it still isn't too late

How i would feel if

You are standing infront of me

In the years that passed

Hardly ever thought of you

You & I

For one last time together

Against alll odds

Not to let it last for long

Not because i'm still in love with you

But just to feel it for a short time

How it felt when it started

And maybe to find that word

That i couldn't say back then

The love is real

Look in my eyes
There's a genuine affection
And love has taken over me
And I'm so surprised
How I'm controlling my intentions
'Cause in my heart
I know you're not ready
Ooh baby
I'm living of a fantasy
Dreaming of how it will be
Oooh the touchin and the kissin'
Is what i'm really missin'
'Cause if I had my way
You'd be lyin' here next to me

I'm waitin' for the day
That you will stay all night
Baby I'm waitin' for the day
You say the time is right
I don't need no explanation, girl
I know just how you feel
The love is real
My love is real

Girl I can't lie
There's nothing I want more than
To feel your body close to mine
But I'm gonna try
To understand what you're feeling
I won't let you put your heart on the line
Baby be mine
But I have not forgotten
I sincerely made a promise to you
Things come in time
So patiently i'm waiting
For the moment when you say I do

I'm waitin' for the day
That you will stay all night
Baby I'm waitin' for the day
You say the time is right
I don't need no explanation, girl
I know just how you feel

The love is real, my love is real .....

Dedicated to my "Kampung Girl"

Funny is what it is sometimes, most of the time irritating and annoying how people think in a way of you that is totally the opposite of what you are thinking of. But no matter how you try to turn and show you are not the kind that people think of you it is an endless battle to convince them that they're wrong. So in the end the only thing to do is just smile at hearing it for the zilllion plus time eventhough inside it gets to you and tormenting to the deepest of your soul. If they only knew or if you only could find that one person who understands you and trust you,thinks the way of you without hesitation or doubt wouldn't that be great. It would be a revelation and sometimes i caught myself wondering how it would be like ... leaving a smile on my face. Forget the many girls you are associated with, the ones you meet up with who end up to be a whole lot of air with another sad story turning out to be another lie. Many find dating a great thing ,to me it is just a waste of my time i had enough of the so called "misunderstood" girls. Acting to be genuine and sincere claiming to be ikhlas but finally end up claiming you. I never asked for gifts and all so io am no one's property to some "giving a gift" is to claim someone.What people tend to forget is to love and like someone is not to owe cause there is nothing sincere to that. As teh time passes by i am getting more and more sceptical if i ever bump into that one sincere and special person. Or maybe i have been going to the wrong places so i am looking forward to balik kampung where the chance is bigger for me to find the one with the qualities i am looking for. I've learned from the many encounters with all kind of girls and it makes me realise one thing like other things have done. I'm from the kampung for real MothaF*ck the Fame so to my kampung girl where ever she is i would be the luckiest guy if i ever find her to her i dedicate this song :

Hey lil mama, ooh you're a stunner
Hot little figure, yes you a winner, and
I'm so glad to be yours
You're a class of your own and
Ooh little cutie, when you talk to me
I swear the whole world stops
You're my sweetheart and
I'm so glad that you're mine
You are one of a kind, and
You mean to me what I mean to you
And together baby there is nothing we won't do

'Cause if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my heart

And oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you... girl
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you... Oh girl

I don't want nobody else
Without you there's no one left, and
You like quality time everyday
I gotta have you and I cannot wait now
Hey lil shorty, say you care for me
You know I care for you
You know that I will be true
You know that I won't lie
You know that I will try
Be your everything

'Cause if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my heart

Oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you... ohhh
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you...

And I will never try
To deny that you are my whole life
'Cause if you ever let me go
I would die so I won't run
I don't need another woman
I just need you or nothing
'Cause if I got that
Then I'll be straight
Baby you're the best part of my day

I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And there's hearts all over the world tonight
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight
They need their boo
They gotta see their boo
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight
Hearts all over the world tonight

And oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you

If i could make heaven wait

As i am writing this,thoughts come to my mind of things that happened this last week.Sunday 10.02.2008 at 19.05 is a day that will forever have a sad and dark memory for a lot of people.It makes you think a bit more about life as well as you're dealing with a lot of anger and disbelieve.I thought i saw a lot of things in life already and thought that nothing could really shock me anymore.But once again i was wrong, and this time no matter how big you are or brave, bold no one will think of it as well that's life. Since the time i have heard the news i have been walking around with a knot in my stomach . How come there are people who pull out shitty things in life regardless of what other people think get away with it and a yet a young an innocent child gets taken away from her loving parents. Where's the justice in life? what can you do to prevent it and why are there still "doctors" who still can malpractice their job with such ignorance. Makes me want to ask the s.o.b if it was realy an innocent thing and that it was nothing. How can you say such stupid things when a little baby, who hasn't recover yet and still in weak condition pass by as,it will go over. Thinking about this matter makes my blood boil because of the doctor's incompetence a little child has been taken from our midst. Some people might wonder why it affects me so much to the point that i get cranky and all. The thing is both parents kinda consider me as their brother and even call me so. And there is something that i hate that much in life is to see people that i care about suffer. If a friend get threatened you can always protect them and look out for them, if they are in financial need you can aid them by giving financial support, you can give them advice or lend an listening ear when they need it. But what can you do when something like this happens, exactly .... nothing. So there i am someone who always tries to look at things positively and trying to be someone who they can pull themselves up to. But at times like these even i am at a total loss and the worst thing is i can't even hide it. Instead i get cranky at people who are close to me and on the other hand trying to maintain to people and all at work while i am trying my best to not ask myself why all the time. It gets worst when i see some girls and boys of the younger generation acting in a way that makes me angry. Laughing and actin like some idiots and total disrespect while the baby lies in the room besides. The day of the funeral was maybe even worse it was more like people came to be seen instead of paying their last respect. How you can show up dressed up like a freakin fashion show just to be seen by the sight of it my hands start to itch badly. But it is a good thing that i kept in my mind that we came to show our last respect and we came for her and not for the idiots. As much as i felt like not going to the funeral,the relieved i was that i did if it was only to be there for them. With this blog i have ventilated all the feelings i have and at the same time have to let it go how hard it may be hard but the most important thing is that she finds her peace. I would like to offer my sincere apologies to anyone of you if i was harsh or anything this last week. Furthermore i would like to thank everyone who the support they have given me throughout the week i appreciate it.Everybody deals with it her or his way and for me in times like these i rather be alone with it to process it.This blog entry is dedicated in loving memory of :

Naima Thida Sinath 11.10.2006 -10.02.2008

sweet dreams lil Angel of ours may you rest in peace, Poe sralang if only i could make heaven wait .... I would have regardless the costs.

In loving memory of .....

I guess that one thing that we can all agree on is that you can never get used to loose someone you grow fond of or got attached to. It doesn't matter if it is a human or an animal you grew to love and so i dedicate this one to all my loved ones i have lost through out the years. In this case it is my sweet and lovely cat Rishi who passed away today after a lot of struggeling. The only comfort for me to console myself with is that she reached the age of 18 years. You heard it right 18 years but at the end it was as if she was still as young as the first day i held her in my arms. And i have never saw a cat as sweet as she was not in my memories is there a time i can mention that she hurt a living soul. And believe it or not but i learned a huge lesson from her and that is even if she got beaten by another cat she never did anything back. I can say she had a big big heart in her small body and that is one of the things that i will always remember her by. I can't even imagine that if someone would hit me i wouldn't do anything back. But still this loving and adorable cat of mine just choose to turn her head away as if she was full of patience. If i close my eyes i could still see her playing outside in the garden happily and carelessly. Eventhough i hate to see her go i am glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore of pain or anything. If there is a cat heaven then she certainly belongs there and hope she will be full of life like she has been on earth. As i said before i learned a lot of her especially in the last weeks. Even if she couldn't walk anymore or something, She would still fight for what she was worth trying to walk and get on the coach to sit on my lap. Refusing to give up and that alone is a valuable lesson i once learned just at the time that i thought, heck screw it all. I'm gonna miss the comfort she gave me at times i was at a loss she would come to me and sit beside me like she was telling me that everything will be alright. I am going to honour her and all the other's in memory to once again get back to my old self and keep going on just for the sake of my loved ones and that is a promise that i will forfill. So what's the moral of this story you are never to wise or old to learn from anyone mankind or animals. Treasure life and your loved ones for you never know how much time you have to make and see them happy. I am thankfull for anybody who has taught me to be become more complete in life. And also my baby cat i will miss her tremendously i pray that she is in a peacefull place safe from any harm,Amin.

When a Friend becomes a Foe

I am bringing you the facts, you wanna disrespect....

The game is over so i say bitch i want my money back ...

Who stood besides you for all those hard years ....

When you needed a shoulder to cry on or a hand to wipe away your tears ...

So now you got a guy and think that you can play ...

You got it wrong girl, you'll find out the hard way ...

I'm mad but it ain't about the freaking money ...

It's the game and the so many lies you told me ....

I treated you like a sister and now you want to be at my bad side ...

You can run where ever you want but where can you hide ...

You heard the stories about me but still thought you was dealing with a fool ...

Now you'll witness the other side of me now i have lost my cool ...

So now you try to hide all your negatives points and the true story ...

Oh you're mad,what you gonna do talk about me ?

I run this shit for years this is my block, my street, my town

You should know better that you can't take me down...

Why did you think nobody dares to f*ck with me ...

I am respected in the streets that's why they call me crazy ...

When we went out the guys always showed respect ...

For all the people who were against you i had your back ...

When a guy hurted you i asked you where he's at ...

I would go to his home to bust his knee caps ...

I was there for you when no one cared, no one was there ...

When you was down and hurt and didn't dare ...

You should have known better then to treat your best friend ...

F*ck it all cause to me you're like dead and the friendship has end.